Rick Green creates Compelling Video on Collaborative Practice
In 2008, the well known TV personality Rick Green, (The Red Green Show, The Frantics, History Bites) had occasion to meet members of the Peel/Halton Collaborative Practice Group at a social gathering intended to promote the collaborative practice. He remembered how positive the collaborative model had been for his family during the dissolution of his first marriage, and immediately volunteered to work on ideas to disseminate the good news of the collaborative practice. Rick and members of the marketing committee of the Peel/Halton Practice Group started working on the idea of making an informational video. The final product is entitled “The Peaceful Divorce: The Power and Promise of Collaborative Law”.
The goal was to outline what the process is, and what it is not. The script was created to answer all of the most common questions collaborative lawyers hear from clients, prospective clients and other lawyers who are interested in Collaborative Law. The finished video is one that collaborative professionals (family, financial and law) might give to their clients to deliver greater uniformity of message.
Judges and lawyers interviewed spoke of the painful process of separation when the parties resort to litigation. Mental health professionals spoke of the harm of conflict to the family, particularly the children. Financial professionals spoke of the benefits of their involvement as neutral contributors. There are personal stories from those who were previously involved in the collaborative process and spoke of the benefits of that process to them and to their families. They shared of how they learnt new models of communication enabling them to continue a healthy post-separation relationship with their former spouse, as well as how to model respectful, dignified conflict resolution behavior for their children. There is also the unique opportunity of hearing the voice of a “child” and how separation and divorce impacted her life.
Many meetings and numerous hours of work (including shooting, editing etc.), later and the video was completed. It was premiered at the Collaborative Law conference in the fall of 2010, where it garnered a standing ovation.
The viewer will hear how collaborative works, for whom it works, and for whom it is not intended. It is just over a half hour in duration, and includes bonus material. It will soon be available for purchase at a reasonable cost. Notice of its availability will be posted on the Peel/Halton collaborative practice group website at www.peelcollaborative.com, www.haltoncollaborative.com, as well as the OCLF website at www.oclf.ca .
Article submitted by Toni Pietrantoni, practicing law in Mississauga, ON since 1985 and collaborative law practitioner since 2000.
Powerful Non-Defensive Communication
Did you know that communication is the #1 problem in the world today? Could you use some tips on how to communicate more effectively?
Here is how I discovered I am capable and I believe we are all capable of more effective communication.
Whether it’s with a partner, a child, a colleague or a judge I found over the years that my communication skills were lacking. I couldn’t figure out how to improve them other than to be a door mat which I was not by nature inclined to be. So, one day in May 2008 at the Ontario Collaborative Law Federation (OCLF) conference in Ottawa I met Sharon Strand Ellison and my life began to change. Sharon, as she likes to be called by her friends (and anyone she meets she considers a friend) was giving a workshop on the power of non- defensive communication. Her easy manner, friendly disposition and powerful stories made the session all the more entertaining. I learnt about Sharon’s theory that we have essentially used the “rules of war” as a foundation for all our human communication. A founding principle of battle is that “to be open is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is to be weak.”(1) In war there is attacking, defending, withdrawal and surrender, so too in our communications with our partners, children, neighbors, colleagues and for many of you, judges. Whether we are trying to protect ourselves from insult/ embarrassment or any type of professional injury we automatically revert to behavior that is based on the war model. These interactions can include anything from arguments to subtle forms of manipulation, withdrawal or giving into others.
According to Sharon, defensiveness creates and accelerates conflict. For all of us, our defensive patterns are also part of our personality structure in a way that is so integral that some loosely defined “personality types” actually reflect the particular defensive modes that we have adopted.
When using the language of the war model people often get polarized and essentially stop really listening to one another.
Research conducted by Dr. Joseph LeDoux at NYU demonstrates that the instant we get defensive, the brain actually fires past its complex problem-solving sections and goes through what he calls a “back alley” straight to the amygdala, a little almond-shaped part of the brain that looks like a tonsil. It is a mass of nerve tissue (a ganglion) which produces emotions such as fear and aggression. This essentially means that the second we get defensive, we lose all capacity for complex problem solving.
How many times have you stood in court making submissions when the judge interrupts with some comment or question which throws you for a loop and you simply can’t think straight anymore and so you revert to arguing with the judge. How helpful was that? Or your colleague interrupts your submissions by making statements which are incorrect or sound like an attack and you freeze. How competent do you look to your client?
Dr. LeDoux suggests that all it takes to get defensive is for anyone to do anything that anyone ever did in your life that ever made you defensive.
Sharon believes that whenever we are defensive, whether it is passive and we walk away from a conflict or we get aggressive and jump into the conflict, we are in a power struggle and that power struggle is the most pervasive and least recognized addiction on earth.
As legal professionals coming from different backgrounds including different cultures we have a range of defensive reactions, some obvious, others subtle, which can inhibit our effectiveness in court as well as our ability to work with each other and the families we serve.
The Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC) process provides a new way of using language, aimed at creating understanding instead of focusing on defensive self-protection. The PNDC process involves learning methods of communication which encourage dialogue and understanding which diffuses power struggles rather than escalating conflict.
The use of PNDC allows us to blend a willingness to show vulnerability with a directness and honesty which results in a unique power.
According to Sharon “…the non-defensive tools actually provide better protection for each individual than old defensive reactions and simultaneously hold each person more accountable for her/his own behavior. The result is that people can create respectful relationships in a safe atmosphere, with greater reciprocity and potential for creative problem solving.”
While this may all sound simple to some, I have found it very challenging. I have also witnessed and experienced the power of non-defensive communications. Because I truly believe in its power for change from our intimate relationships to our professional interactions and ultimately to our communities and the world at large, I decided to take some training under Sharon’s guidance so I too could train others and thereby share the good news of PNDC. So, in February I took a “training the trainers” workshop with Sharon. Amongst the 18 participants from the US and Canada were Karen Thompson Harry (Mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer) practicing in Erin Ontario, Marie Nickle, (Mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer) practicing in Mississauga Ontario, Vittoria Adhami (life coach) with offices in Mississauga Ontario and San Diego, California and myself. The week of training was grueling yet we had fun and learnt a great deal. Did I mention it was held near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (that was the fun part)? We also had great fun meeting like-minded people who will also in some form or other be sharing the message of PNDC. All of us from Ontario will at some point be organizing workshops in various parts of the province. Notices about upcoming workshops will be posted on the Peel/Halton Collaborative website (www.peelcollaborative.com ; www.haltoncollaborative.com and on the OCLF website (www.oclf.ca).
Article submitted by Toni Pietrantoni, Collaborative Family Lawyer, Mediator practicing law in Mississauga since April 1, 1985
(1) Powerful, Non-Defensive Communications 1987, Sharon Ellison, M.S., Revised 2006
